


It's just a spark but it's enough

by bluescrawny



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ellie goes home to Jackson, F/F, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, JJ - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Set after the epilogue, Spoilers, Trauma, shes trying to understand things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:13:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25221445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluescrawny/pseuds/bluescrawny
Summary: --TLOU PT2 SPOILERS -- Ellie went back to Jackson after confronting Abby. This is the aftermath of that. Having to deal with the consequences of her actions and /maybe/ finally finding the peace she wants so bad."Ellie felt like she was drifting through space, it felt calming, it made her forget how tired she was, how her life was crumbling around her and slipping through her fingers  and she simply couldn't do anything about it"
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 103





	1. Tired

_Ellie felt like she was drifting through space._

Lost in the immensity of the nothingness surrounding her. It felt calming, it made her forget how tired she was, how her life was crumbling around her and slipping through her fingers and she simply couldn't do anything about it because she felt like everytime she tried, she made things worse. _Way worse. Everything around her was black, shyly illuminated by the moon that was shining behind a set of thick clouds in the sky._

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_She sighed._

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The motions of the boat were really starting to make her feel nauseated. The motor died after a few minutes in the water. She sat straight up. When her body got up, she felt a really pointy sting coming from the right side of her body. Her vision blurred and the edges were turning black. She moved her hand to the sore spot, putting some pressure on it, trying to make it hurt less. _Spoiler alert, it didn't._ She didn't dare to lift her tank top up to see the damage that awaited her. But she could feel that her finger tips were wet.

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She sighed again, burying her head in her hands. _What was she doing?_

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She looked behind her, wondering where Abby's boat was. They were both heading to the same location, which was basically any land that they could put their feet on. Both were tired and hurt and drifting aimless through the sea in that condition was... Well, was not wise.

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When there was still enough light to see anything past 6 feet ahead of her nose, she could see their boat. It was tiny, way ahead of hers, but it was there. Their motor probably broke as well. _Fucking shitty boats._

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_Did I do the right thing?_ At that moment she didn't know if she was wondering about letting Abby leave or about going after her in this suicide mission in the first place.

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She returned her head into her hands. This time the pain on the side of her body stopped but it was substituted by the pain on her left hand.

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Fuck.

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Ellie sighed again.

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_Fuck_

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"Ellie?"

"Hmm" Ellie lifted her head from her hands. She wasn't in her boat anymore, she noticed. She was inside this warm wooden house, lighten by some bright yellow lights on the ceiling. She wasn't wearing her white tank top as well, she was with a dark flannel shirt and clean jeans.

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"Ellie?" Maria called her name again, she was standing in the corner of the room, starring at her. She moved close to her and placed a glass of water in front of her. She had a worried look glued on her face "You with me?"

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"Yea, uh, fuck, sorry" She hates this. She really did. This has been happening to her for awhile now, it felt like she was everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Her mind playing sick tricks on her. When she least expected, she would get lost in her thoughts, in her memories, and forget about the present. She felt like a ghost most of the time.

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Dina was sitting in the chair next to her. Paying close attention to every word Ellie said. She didn't need to look to her right to see the worried look plastered over the younger girl's face, it was palpable.

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_"Ellie, oh my god" Maria said, taking her in a tight embrace. Ellie wasn't used to human contact anymore. It felt... wrong._

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After the farm, she walked aimless for a few hours, she didn't know where she was heading towards but her body seemed to know where to go, so she just turned off her mind and let her body do their thing, after a few hours of endless walking, she saw Jackson's giant walls. Yea, obviously her feet took her there. Suddenly she felt a pit in her stomach and got worried, worried that when she finally arrived at the gates she would be sent on her way back. That she would not be welcome there anymore, not after everything she did. Not after everyone she hurt. "Come on in, you must be freezing" Maria said, taking her out of her mind and leading Ellie through the gates. "Let's go to my place, then we can talk"

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Tommy? She wanted to ask, but her voice didn't come so she didn't. She wasn't sure she could face him right now anyway.

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Maria's house looked the same as Ellie remembered. She entered and felt the familiar warmth wash over her. Maria lead her to the kitchen and motined her hands towards the kicthen table. Ellie sat down and Maria followed.

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"Do you want something to eat? To drink?" The older woman asked but Ellie shook her head. They sat like that for a few minutes that felt like hours. Complete silence. Maria awaited. She didn't push Ellie to talk. She knew she would when she could. Ellie was grateful for that. She opened her mouth but couldn't find her voice. This happened a few times before she finally spoke "Dina?"

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"She's alright, all things considered"

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"Good, can you-can you call her here?" Ellie asked looking into Maria's eyes

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"I don't think that's the best idea right now" Maria warned her "You really hurt her, Ellie"

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"I know. Believe me, I know" Ellie said, her hand going harshly through her hair "I just don't think I'll be able to tell this story more than once. At least not right now and she deserves... to know"

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"You were telling us that you found her and then-"

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"Yea, right, I found her. She was tied up to a pole on a beach, she looked so skinny. So... fragile. They all did. It was really fucking ugly" Ellie said with a little shiver going down her spine "I thought about, about leaving her there but it felt wrong. So I untied her. She took the boy that was tied into a pole next to her and lead the way to the boats. I just followed" She stopped, trying to catch her breath.

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"She was about to leave. And I considered letting her do that. But I just couldn't, I just, couldn't let her go away like that. It wouldnt be right. It just wouldn't. I told her to fight me but she refused" Ellie said briefly looking into Maria's eyes then back down "I- fuck, fuck, I put a knife into th-the boys throat" Ellie's voice was breaking, her eyes was filling with water. She looked up to the light on the ceiling, trying to concentrate, trying to obligate her body to obey her, but she was starting to shake. To lose control. "Fuck" she repeated. Her leg moving up and down so fast and her breathing getting out of control.

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"Ellie, please calm down" Maria said, her eyes looked sad and filled with worry. She approched Ellie and put her hand on her shoulder to show support and try to calm her down. Ellie shrugged away from her touch "Fuck. I threatened an unconscious boy and she agreed to fight me." Her eyes were red and she let out a humourless chuckle. "I- We fought and" She started but stopped, looking down at her hands, it was shaking. She then held the water glass tightly. Her knuckles were turning White. _Well, it looks like she wouldn't be able to finish her story afterall. She wasn't Strong enough. She was spiraling out of control, she could feel it. And she hated it. She didn't want this to happen right now. Fuck._

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Dina reached her hands to hers. Her body wanted to move away instinctively but she was too tired to move, so she didn't. She used all her mighty to talk through the bad memories that was threatening to take her away at any moment. She was tired, so she didn't move away. _She was glad she didn't._

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After a few moments of silence she finally said "I let her go"

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"You what?" Maria inquired. She felt Dina's touch stiffen over her skin.

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"I let her go"

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"Why?"

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"It- It didn't feel right" it was barely a whisper.

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"Ellie" Maria called but she refused to look up. "Ellie" Maria insisted, she walked over the broken girl, putting her hand over Ellie's shoulder, giving a tiny squeeze "I'm proud of you"

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Ellie looked confused. She couldn't phanton the idea of anyone being proud of her, after everything she did. It didn't feel Worth of such a thing. She failed, right? she was a coward that couldn't keep her word "But I need to ask." This took her out of her thoughts "Do I need to worry that someone will come here and endanger the to-"

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"No" Ellie swallowed hard "It's over"

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"Ok" Maria gave another squeeze on Ellie's shoulder. They stayed like that for awhile.

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"I'm-" Dina finally spoke up, breaking the silence that had settled in the room, but she stopped right then. Her voice caught Ellie by surprise. She was so quiet this whole time, she took in every word that came out of Ellie's mouth but didn't say one herself. Ellie was dying to know what was going on inside her head, she wanted to look at her but she kept her eyes down, she didn't dare to look up and face those eyes she loved so much. She was... scared? _No, no. She was terrified, she noticed._ She was terrified of what she would find if she allowed herself to look at the immensity of Dina's eyes. Would there be anger? Hurt? Regret? All of the above? Her hand was still over Ellie's arm, making a circle motion with her thumb to calm her down. Or maybe it was to calm Dina down, she wasn't sure.

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"I really- no, I just-" Dina was struggling to find the right words, which was odd because this was Dina. She always knew what to say. "I'm glad you came back alive, El" She finally said. Dina had been terrified for Ellie for these past few months. To not know what was going on, _was killing her._ She thought she would never see Ellie again, the moment she put her feet outside the farm, it felt like she was walking into her death. That was something that haunted her everyday ever since. "I thought you wouldn't" it was barely a whisper.

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They stayed like that for awhile. The warmth of Dina's hands on her skin was calming and reassuring. It managed to calm the erratic beating of the taller girl's heart that had been beating out of beat since she put her feet back in Jackson. _No, it was before that._ It has been beating wrong since she put her feet out of the farm. _Their home._

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She noticed later that Maria was not there anymore, when did she leave? Dina finally stood up. Breaking the touch between both of them and cleaning her eyes with her fingers "Uh, I've got to go. I need to pick up JJ from Jesse's parents. I-I will see you around, El" JJ's name caught her attention, it made her look up at Dina but she was already moving to the door. She opened her mouth to speak, to call her back but decided against it. She wanted to ask how he was doing. If he was ok. How big he was. How much did she lose? But she didn't feel like she was allowed to do that so she just kept quiet and her eyes came back to her hands.

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_Ellie was just so tired._

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope y'all liked the story. I really loved the game, it emotionally destroyed me lmao So I decided to write this. It's been a few years since I last wrote something like this at all. So take it easy on me. Also, english is not my first language, so there will probably have some random ass gramatical errors. Please leave a review if you want more or not.


	2. I know

_"Dina, can I come in?"_

"Yes, yes" She sighed, very focused on what she was doing to pay attention to the person at the door. She gestured with her hands for the person to enter while she arranged some papers on an old wooden table. The place was a total mess. "Oh, Maria" She greeted the older woman as she entered and closed the door behind her. She had an expression on her face that was hard to read. _Shit._ "Look, before you start. I'm sorry for snapping at Nick. I didn't mean to, I know he is a newbie but holy shit, this job is already boring as it is" Maria had a stern look on her face "Do-dont give me that look. _You know it is._ Tagging and organizing everything is just the fucking WORST and having to fix someone else's shit on top of that is driving me _IN-SA-NE_ " she put a lot of emphasis on the last word. As she spoke, she paced through the small room nonstop, trying to organize everything that was scattered around the room. She wrote something in a paper in front of a big pile of cans, then she walked to the other side and placed several metal pieces inside a tray.

"Dina"

"Yes" She said, finally stopping when Maria stood in front of her.

_"Sit"_

"Ooookay" She said suspiciously but she did as she was told. "Is everything ok?" Dina asked finally paying attention to Maria's expression and body language. She looked worried and really tense. More than usual.

"is JJ okay? Oh my god" She said bringing her hand to her chest and standing up "where is h-"

"Dina, JJ is fine, calm down, kiddo" She said while the other woman sat back down.

"Then what's up? You look like you've seen a ghost"

"Ellie is back and she aske-" But Dina wasn't listening to it anymore. Ellie was back? Her Ellie? _No, she couldn't call her that anymore._ Not after she left. Not after she chose a stranger over her, over their little family. She recognized that things were hard back then and that things were getting overwhelming. She felt it too. She tried her best to make things better. To help Ellie but it was hard to do so when she was having a hard time with her own mind, with her own demons. She tried to get her shit together for JJ, for Ellie but things were starting to take a toll on her as well... _And then Tommy showed up with that fucking map._

"Dina!" she focused back on the blonde woman standing in front of her "Did you hear anything I just said?"

"Yes" she said, breathing in with her nose and letting out through her mouth slowly "Ellie is back and she wants to see me?" she said each word heavily, as if she were analyzing the meaning of each one before allowing them to come out of her mouth _"Well, fuck her"_

"Din-"

"No. Just no" She got up and started to walk from a side to the other in the tiny room and then she stopped. Tears starting to blur her vision. Fucking hell. "She doesnt get the right to come back here and demand my presence like that. No. Not after what she did"

"I know, sweetie" Maria held her in a tight embrace. Both had been through so much. When Dina appeared back in Jackson with a baby on her arm, a bag on her back and without Ellie on her side. She knew something was wrong. She then explained to her what happened, there was pure rage and despair coming out of Dina while she was talking about how the dumbass of Maria's husband went by their house with a Map and a suicide mission and Ellie took it upon herself to fulfil it. _That Ellie left without even looking back._

She was angry and then she got sad. Really sad. Maria had never seen Dina get like that, not in the eight years she has known the kid. The older woman went to her and held her tightly, like she was doing right now. She knew what Dina was feeling because she felt it too with Tommy. Back six years ago when he decided to take Ellie to the fireflies before Joel stood his ground and stopped his brother and a few months ago, when he got back from Seattle and she couldnt recognize the man she loved in that hollow shell of hatred that wrapped him up.

After Dina calmed down Maria explained "She asked for you, because she said she couldn't tell the story more than one time and for the looks of it, that seems quite right" Dina opened her mouth to contest the older woman, but Maria kept talking "You don't have to go if you don't want to, you know..."

"Okay" Dina agreed after awhile "let's go before I change my mind" She said taking a jacket that was hanging on the cabinet next to the door and leaving the tiny room.

\---

When they were two blocks away from Maria's place, the older woman stopped and looked at Dina.

"You should prepare yourself"

"How bad is it?" Dina asked, panic starting to rise up on her chest.

"It's not good" She simply said.

_They kept walking, a little faster now._

\---

She walked inside the house and saw a scrawny figure sitting at the end of the big wooden table at Maria's Kitchen. Dina's steps were slow and heavy. Her heart was beating so hard against her chest that she thought it would break out of her body at any moment now.

Ellie looked so skinny. The dark bags under her eyes were even more visible against her pale skin. She had a new big scar coming up from her collarbone to her neck. It made Dina wonder how many new ones she had that just wasn't visible to her.

 _Ellie looked out of it. She was there but not really, lost in her own mind._ Her eyes were unfocused and looking down at her lap. It didn't seem like she had heard the two of them walk in.

"Ellie?" Maria called her softly. Ellie jumped on her chair and her eyes widened a little in terror before she recognized the woman in front of her. She then looked at her.

_Fuck._

Their eyes met for a split second before Ellie looked away. But in that split second, Dina's anger melted away and she sat in the chair next to her.

"I'm sorry" Ellie finally said.

"I know" Dina replied.

\---

Dina thought she heard knock coming from down the stairs. It was a timid and uncertain knock. She didn't hear anyone calling her name or knocking again on the door, so she assumed that it was no one but she went to check it out anyway.

She opened the door and saw the back of the woman she used to know so well walking away from her.

"Ellie?" she called. Ellie froze for a few seconds before turning around. She was wearing the same clothes she was wearing the day before, the dark bags under her eyes were even deeper than yesterday and she looked really tired.

"uh, hey" she said, avoiding Dina's eyes. "Can we- Can we talk?" She asked kicking a pile of dirt on the floor. "if you're busy I can come by later. It's quite early na-"

"No, I can talk" Dina said, moving out of the door, giving space to the other girl walk through.

Ellie sat on the couch of the living room and Dina sat next to her. They stayed like that for a little bit. Ellie trained her eye on the table in front of her and Dina observed her every move attentively.

The younger girl waited for Ellie to break the silence but she didn't. They sat side by side for a few minutes and the silence was driving Dina crazy, she hated the awkwardness between them. The silence felt heavy, like it would fall and smash both of them to a pulp at any second. "You look like shit, El—lie" She corrected herself. She was going to call her by her nickname but she wasn't sure if that was a good choice. It was something so simple, so small. She hates that she was overthinking about something this stupid. _They used to be so easy, how could they get like this._

Ellie noticed that and stiffened a little bit on her side.

"Geez, thanks" Ellie gave out a small chuckle. "that's what every girl wants to hear"

"I dont mean it like that" Dina said softly "just... when was the last time you ate? The last time you slept? "

"You sound like Maria" Ellie replied grumply

"if you mean like someone with a fucking common sense, then yea, I totally sound liker her" Dina snapped rolling her eyes.

After a few moments gathering courage, Ellie finally spoke "I'm sorry "

_"You said that already" Dina replied harsher than she anticipated._

"I know, I just-" She started and stopped. _"fuck" Ellie muttered under her breath_ "I'm-I'm really fucking sorry" she said it again. Dina opened her mouth to reply but she was cut down by the other girl "I don't know what else to say" her voice was rising and shaking. Her breathing was starting to accelerate and she looked really annoyed "I want to say the right thing. I want to make you understand how fucking bad I feel about doing what I did to you" she explained. Her voice broke and the words started to overlap each other because She was talking too fast. Ellie's leg was boucing non stop, she buried her head on her hand. "But all that comes out is this fucking word. I cant think of anything else but this fucking word. I'm really fucking sorry, Dina" she looked up, their eyes met. Ellie's eyes were so full of pain, it broke Dina's heart. "I wanted to be better but I just fucking broke things even more. I'm sorry for being such a mess and bringing you into this. I'm really fucking sorry for hurting you"

_Fuck._

Dina had been afraid, so afraid. She often wondered where Ellie was, what she was doing. If she thought of her at all. If she... If she was alive and if she was, _would she ever come back?_ Dina was scared of who would come back if she did. Ellie changed so much in Seattle. _The images of her breaking down in Dina's arms still hauted her dreams to this very day._

That clueless awkward girl that cracked bad jokes as much as she swore changed so much in so little time. Dina just wanted to make her stop hurting but apparently she failed at that because she left anyway. She gave her best to make her feel better _but her best was not enough._

"Pl-Please say something" Ellie said under her breath. She started to play with her hands, the way she used to do whenever she was nervous. One of her hands were covered with dirty old bandages. She could see the gap where her fingers were supposed to be.

"What happened?" Dina asked taking her hand to the other woman's hand. Ellie tried to push away her hand from Dina's touch, but Dina held it down firmly and brought it closer to her so she could analyze it.

"Abby" Ellie replied looking down. She opened her mouth to speak but closed soon after. She was considering if she should or shouldn't say whatever was on her mind "I was bitten too"

"Oh" Dina still got overwhelmed by the fact that Ellie was immune. It really messed with her head. "Come on" Dina said suddenly. She got up and started to walk towards the stairs.

Ellie followed her silently.

Dina opened the bathroom door and went for the top shelf, right over the mirror. She had to to stand on the tip of her toes to reach there.

She finally got the first aid kit, she turned around triumphantly and found Ellie with a small smile playing on her lips "What? It's not my fault that they built the house for fucking giants"

"Sure thing, keep telling yourself that, tiny" Ellie joked back. This had been something that Ellie always teased Dina about, since when they were 14 and she was way smaller than her. The years went by and their height difference wasn't that big anymore but the teasing stayed. Dina smiled back at her, but it didn't last long.

They sat on the floor of the bathroom and Dina unrolled the bandage stripe that was awkwardly tied around Ellie's hand. The glue had worn off already and the white stripes were stained with dry blood and mud. Dina gasped and held her breath when she finally saw it. The two stumps were really red, covered with dark scars. She could see that the end was burnt. She must have done it to cauterize the wound. Her eyes went up to Ellie that suddenly looked way too interested in a dirty spot on the wall. Her heart sunk on her chest thinking about how much pain she had to go through. She could also see the bite mark that she mentioned earlier. It had popped bubbles around it that scarred the flesh around the bite mark, it had leaped veins scarred through the side of her hand till the tip of her pinky. That spot of her hand had different color from the rest of her skin. "Fuck, Ellie" Dina said "You still sucks balls at bandaging, come on" Ellie laughed at that.

Dina started to work on her ex-girlfriend's hand without saying another word. She could see how uncomfortable this was for Ellie. She really hated to let people take care of her, but this had never stopped Dina and Ellie knew better than to argue with the smalled girl. Ellie gritted her teeth and bit the inside of her cheek every time she touched her. It really hurt to see her like that. When she finished it, she finally said it.

"I—I don't know if I can forgive you" Dina said, Ellie looked at her for suddenly breaking the silence. This time who looked away was Dina, unable to sustain the other girls look.

"After all this time, I really wanted to hate you, you know? But it didn't come naturally for me. It just didn't" She said, closing her eyes and sitting with her back against the wall. She brought her knees up and rested her arms on it. Ellie adjusted her own body next to her, hanging by each word that came out of the other girl's mouth. "Everyday, for months, I woke up to an empty bed. Wishing you were there next to me" She swallowed hard and continued "Things were really hard after you were gone. JJ took it really hard. He cried for weeks after you left, you know? I tried to make him happy. He is a happy kid. But he always seemed to be looking behind me... for you. So I left. Because you were everywhere and I couldn't take it" She looked up at the girl sitting next to her, she was washed up by guilt "I just need some time to... Get used to you being back again. I'm still really angry at you, El"

"Oh."

"yea"

"Do You- Do you want me to leave?" Ellie made the question she was so scared to do so. If Dina asked her to leave, she would. Without thinking twice. She hurt her so much already that if being away was what would heal her, then she would do gladly even if it killed her inside.

"No. This is your home"

 _"No, you were my home. You and JJ and I managed to fuck that up"_ Ellie said without thinking.

"Ellie..."

"It's true though. I just... I don't want to fuck you up. I came back because I needed to know that you two were safe. I couldn't live with myself without knowing that" Ellie remembered her Last conversation with Joel. He died before they got the chance to reconcile. She felt so much guilt about it that sometimes she couldn't even breathe. To think that something like this could happen again, this time with Dina and their baby... it haunted her every day.

"I don't want you out there" Dina said softly after a few moments. Ellie just nodded "I'm really fucking angry at you but I meant what I said yesterday, I'm really glad you came back alive" she reached her hand and held Ellies knee and rested her head on Ellie's shoulder. Dina really thought she wouldnt be able to feel the other girl's warmth ever again and for a few seconds, even if her heart broke to a million pieces later, just feeling the other girl next to her, it brought peace to her mind.

_"I'm sorry"_

_"I know"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She walked inside the house and saw a scrawny figure sitting at the end of the big wooden table at Maria’s Kitchen. Dina’s steps were slow and heavy. Her heart was beating so hard against her chest that she thought it would break out of her body at any moment now.  
> Ellie looked so skinny. The dark bags under her eyes were even more visible against her pale skin. She had a new big scar coming up from her collarbone to her neck. It made Dina wonder how many new ones she had that just wasn’t visible to her.  
> Ellie looked out of it. She was there but not really. Her eyes were unfocused and looking down at her lap. It didn’t seem like she had heard the two of them walk in.


	3. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **  
>  (BOLD AND UNDERLINE MEANS SHE WROTE THAT THING INTO THE DIARY)   
>  **

“Hey, oldman” Ellie said sitting down on the soft snow. She hugged her knees close to her chest and rested her arms on top of them, with her right hand closed around her wrist. 

The tombstone had some cracks on it. The stone was dusty and with some stains of time spread all over it. But the name carved in the stone made her chest feel like it weighed a tonne. 

She stared at it for awhile, she had a sad smile playing on her lips. “I've told you I'd come back to Jackson no matter how bad was it” She looked down at her feet. She had been doing that a lot recently and she hated it. _Not even alone she stopped feeling trapped. Judged._ “I thought that after Californa, things would get better... but I guess I was wrong. Who would’ve thought, uh?” She leaned over and shifted to a crouched position. She brought her hand up to meet the icy stone and traced the name written there with her fingertips. 

“I’m not angry at you anymore, you know, so I guess it wasn’t a total waste of time” She said looking up at the sky. It was gray, the sunlight was blocked by a sea of clouds that moved lazily on the sky. It looked like it was going to rain soon. “But I wish it would've helped with my own anger too” She sighed. Tears filled her eyes and started to slide down her cheeks. She hadn't cried in so long, she wasn't even sure if she could do that anymore. _She just felt empty._ Like she was hurt to the point that her body just gave up on her. She felt her breathing getting caught in her throat. It was the type of crying that you can't just stop it, the more you try to end it, the worse it gets. Her hands were shaking and her chest was trembling. She clunched her hand into fists, trying to concentrate on her breathing. 

She cleaned them with the back of her hands and sniffed a few times. “This guilt is eating me alive, Joel.” Ellie didn't realise when she started to hate herself, it just... happened. And the worst part is that _she just grew used to the feeling._

Maybe it happened after she got bitten with her bestfried and she simply couldn’t kill her. She waited for hours to turn, but it didn’t come. Riley was already gone, she saw the change happen right in front of her and she felt helpless. She saw the light go out and when that happened, well, _things ended badly,_ Riley attacked Ellie, but even with that, she still couldn’t do it, put an end to her misery, so she _left her behind,_ locked inside a small store and ran away. 

Or maybe it was when Sam turned in front of her and there was nothing she could do for him.  
Or maybe it was after Salt Lake City, when Joel told her that her immunity didn't matter and everything she did... _just didn't matter at all._ Or maybe it was when Joel got murdered because of her in such a brutal way. She closed her eyes tightly, making wrinkles appear on her forehead. “Why is it always me that gets left behind? Why does this keep on happening?” She murmured angrily “I jus---I just just want to do better, Joel. But how do I do better when every fucking person that comes into my life ends up dying because of me?”

\-----------

 **I didn't kill her.** Ellie looked up from her diary to the girl sitting across the room. She kept her eyes locked on her like a hawk. The scar boy was lying down on the wooden floor, he was shivering and had been like that for a few hours. Abby had one hand playing with his hair and the other one was glued to her pistol. It was raining cats and dogs outside the store they were in. **I don't know if I did the right thing but I'm still breathing, so there’s that.** She sighed. She was tired. She was soaked. And she wanted to leave but she couldn't. _She could barely stand without falling back down._

\---

A loud noise regurgitated around her, followed by a tremor that shook everything around. Ellie opened her eyes in fear but closed them immediately. It was raining hard and water got inside her eye. _Shit. She really couldnt catch a fucking break._ She lifted her right hand above her face so she could protect her eyes from the rain and be able to see what was going on. It was very dark, she didn't know if it was too early or too late but it didn't really matter. The only thing she could see in the darkness and the position she was in was the tree's leaves hanging over her. She leaned over with a lot of effort to look around the unfamiliar terrain. She had finally arrived on dry land after such a rough crossing. 

As her boat softly rocked back and forth in the water, she felt it bump into another object. Another boat. _Oh, fuck,_ Ellie thought. She really hoped it wasn't Abby's boat. She didn't know what would happen if they both met, eye to eye again and she just didn't have the strength to deal with this shit anymore. Ellie knew that the chances of not being her boat were practically nil and her luck... well, it never existed in the first place . _So it was definitely Abby's_

Suddenly she heard the sound of gunshots and glass breaking in the distance. She realized it was coming from the houses in front of her. She closed her eyes a little bit and tried to concentrate to see better. The noise was way too loud and close to her for her taste. Another big noise hit her ears. Two shots followed by screams. From where Ellie was, she could see some infected running towards a small pharmacy. She squinted her eyes a little further. The glass of the store was broken, but it was closed by massive wooden boards placed where the glass used to be. It was only then that she saw two people trying to push a half loose plank out of their way so they could enter the store.

The smaller person managed to enter it but the larger one didn't have the same luck. The space was too narrow and if they actually stopped to try to push the plank away to get more space, the infected would be all over them, finishing them off. More shots followed. One. two. Three. And then two empty clicks came after. The ammunition ran out. The person standing in front of the pharmacy swerved from the last infected still standing onslaught, hitting the pistol on his head, leaving him stunned. They picked up a piece of old glass from the floor and struck it against the infected's head, splitting it in two. The infected stopped screaming, falling to the floor shortly after. The reeling person stared at the body on the floor for a moment and quickly turned their attention back to the window. 

While they were working on opening some space through the remaining wooden planks, a stalker appeared, sneaking through the shadows. _They didn't seem to notice that._

Ellie got up from the boat, pistol drawn. Her head went light and the world spun around her. She doesn't know why she did what she did next, maybe it was the fact that she was exhausted and that made the recklessness inside her come out stronger than ever, maybe she just didn't give a fuck anymore. **“HEY YOU FUCKER, COME AT ME!”** Her voice was hoarse and screaming at that volume made her throat hurt. The person who was still trying to enter the store disappeared from Ellie's sight. _Maybe they managed to escape._ She raised her hand and pointed the gun at the infected that came running towards her at full speed. But the gun fell from her fingers. She looked down and then back at the infected that was getting dangerously close. She allowed a humourless chuckle to come out of her mouth. _How fucking ironic was it._ She wasn’t going to turn into one of those ugly fuckers but she was going to be eaten by one. Her vision was cloudy. The black was no longer just at the edges of it, but it almost covered her whole vision. Her knees gave out and she fell to the floor of the boat. _‘Just make it quick’ Ellie thought._ The world around her turned off.

\----------

When she recovered her consciousness, everything was spinning before she even attempted to open her eyes. The pain on the side of her body was worse than before and she felt like she was going to throw up at any second. She grunted and tried to open her eyes but closed soon after. _Yep. Everything was indeed spinning. Fucking shit._ She raised her hand to her eyes and rubbed it hard in a pitiful attempt of making her whole being stop hurting. She stayed like that for a few minutes and then she heard it, someone grunting in pain beside her. It didn’t sound like an infected. She forced herself to open her eyes. _What the fuck._

 _“What the fuck”_ She said under her breath. Abby was sitting across the room, she was sewing an open cut on her left arm. She was gritting her teeth, her jawline was tense and she was breathing loudly. The kid that was always with her was sleeping by her side. When Ellie spoke, Abby’s hand went skillfully to the revolver that was restingo n her thigh. Ellie’s Hands mimicked Abby’s movements but they were clumsy. She reached for her backpack that was sitting in front of her but the pain on her side made her stop. She put her arms around her stomach and curled in pain. “fuuuuck” she whispered. “Just--- Just do it. Finish it already” she cried it out.

She heard the sound of the revolver moving but then she heard it being dropped on the floor, which made her eyes shoot up to the girl in front of her in confusion. Abby went back to sewing her arm and ignoring her.

Ellie grabbed her backpack and crawled to the nearest wall, leaning her back against it. She opened it and saw that her weapons were no longer in it. She looked around the room and saw her pistol and bow over a dirty beaten counter desk. She groaned. _How was she going to get out of this._ She looked back at the backpack, the only thing inside was her diary and two old shirts. _She was out of medicine as well. Her day was only getting better and better._ She dropped her backpack on the floor and clutched her stomach. The pain just didn't go away. She was breathing heavily, her eyes closed and her brow furrowed. Ellie stayed like that for a few minutes until she felt a tap on her foot. 

Opening her eyes was harder than she expected but she pushed herself to do so. She saw a first aid kit there. She looked at Abby but the girl was not paying attention to her. Ellie eagerly reached for the small white suitcase on the floor but she stopped her hand mid action. _What if this was a trap? This whole situation didn't make sense to her._ The last thing she remembered was being attacked by a stalker, how the fuck did she end up in there with the last person she would expect to be locked in a room with...

“it's not a bomb, you know” Abby said, looking at her “That would be really dumb considering everything, right now” 

“I don’t—I didn't” Ellie stuttered, annoyance washing over her. She took the package into her hands and opened it. There were bandages, stitches, line and needles. She looked at the other girl suspiciously “Why are you helping me? That's not really your thing...” she said bitterly, remembering how Tommy told her that Joel helped Abby out before she turned on him. 

“Why did you help me back there?” She shot back, ignoring Ellie's last sentence.

“I don't know” _That was a lie._

\-----

The rain did come afterall. It fell hard, the heavy drops melting the snow that covered everything your eyes could see. People that were still walking through Jackson's streets, ran inside the houses and stores to shelter themselves from the storm. The same city that a few hours ago was so overwhelming for Ellie, with all of it’s colors and sounds, with all of it's life, was now completely quiet, the only sound left was Ellie's fingers tracing Joel's name on the tombstone, her breathing wavering and the rain falling down. The rain was toughening up and it only tightened the pain in her chest “I wish you were here. I'm sorry for being a pain in the ass for so long. _You deserved better”_ She stayed crouched in the same position for god knows how long before she finally got up, giving a last glance to the grave and walked back home. The storm was dying out and people were starting to come back out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao in this story I have a lot of ideas planned out but every time I stop to write them, it never goes as planned.  
> Ellie has survivors guilt and that is something she needs to figure it out before she can get better. A flashback inside a flashback is my new kink. Inception has nothing on me lol  
> By the way, thank you guys for liking the story and everyone who left a review on it, it really makes my heart happy when I get a new one and it makes me suuuuuuuuuuuper excited that you people are enjoying this. It’s still pretty heavy but soon will get better.


	4. Tommy

“I—" a weak voice disturbed the silence and took her out of her torpor “I need you to do something for me” It was weak and breath. She wasn’t even sure if she had heard it right. After their earlier talk, both had stayed quiet until now. She assumed she had fallen asleep.

Abby just stared back at her in the dark.

“I think I'm bleeding out” she laughed but was interrupted by a sequence of coughs. Ellie had a strangled look on her face. Sweat dripped from her face as if she had just finished running a marathon. Abby could see, despite the distance and the lack of light, that her skin was paler than before “I need to cauterize the wound but the cut it’s not right. _And I can’t… do it any of it”_ Her words were more cries than anything else, heavy breathing coming after each sound that left her mouth. She sounded so young. So… vulnerable. _Not like the monster that killed all her friends in cold blood._

“Do what?” Lev asked getting up and walking towards the girl on the other side of the room. His voice brought her back to the present. Abby followed him and crouched down beside the girl. _She was in a really bad shape._ Abby was aware of that, sure. Earlier when Ellie saved her from that stalker, she went to her boat and killed the infected that was over her. She looked bad, at first, she thought she was dead, but she could see the small movements of her chest going up and down. Abby didn't take much time outside before bringing her in, so she hadn't noticed the severity of her injuries until now. Her tank top was red with blood, she could see that there was a spot that was darker than the rest, the one she had been trying to sew the whole afternoon. Ellie would pierce her skin with the needle and a curse word would soon follow it before she grew frustrated and threw it away angrily. Abby’s eyes lingered on Ellie’s hand, she had wrapped a bandage messily over it but it wasn't doing much for her, the bandage was soaking wet with blood.  
Abby and Ellie exchanged a meaningful look.

 _“I can't do it myself”_ She swallowed audibly and a soft chuckle came out of her “If I could, I would. But I _fucking_ can't---” She gritted her teeth. She stopped and looked at the ceiling and then shook her head _“Fuck, I can't die like this”_

“Why should we help you?” Lev asked the question that was floating Abby’s mind, making Ellie look him in the eye. Lev didn't look so great as well, but the little amount of sleep that he had helped him regain part of his strength.

“I honestly—“ She chuckled again. Why did she keep on doing that “Part of me really hope you don't” She admitted sadly. _Ellie wanted to die and that wasn’t something new to her._ She fought with this thought for years now. Every time someone left, every time someone died. This feeling would take over her. The light would go out and she would fall into this black hole. She went after Abby with that in mind. She wanted, no, she needed the confrontation, that’s why the simple thought of Abby dying by someone elses’s hand would boil the blood under her skin. When Abby didn't comply with it when they met, she fell back into that hole. Ellie closed her eyes again, her chest heaved in pain. I don’t plan on dying. That’s what she told Dina. What a fucking joke. _“But I made a promise.” She looked up, determination written on her eyes, taking Abby by surprise._

“Lev, there’s a machete behind the counter, can you bring it to me?”

“Wait, what?”

“Just do it as you're told.” Abby’s eyes were still trained on the girl in front of her. “Please” She added shortly after. Abby took a shirt out of Ellie’s backpack. She got up and went towards the wooden board that she had pulled out earlier to enter the store. She just put her hand out through the small hole, holding the shirt out for a while until it was completely wet from the rain that was still falling furiously outside and returned to the position she was in previously. Lev was already crouched by Ellie's side watching her closely. _She could have let her die twice just in the last day, but she didn’t. Abby really wanted to find out why._ “This won't be pretty” She stated not sure for who exactly, she didn't know if it was for Ellie, for Lev or for herself. She took the other shirt from the backpack and gave it to the girl sitting down in front of her “You better bite this down too. Put your hand here. Hold her still” Abby barked out orders and the other two just followed. She took the machete into her hand and breathed in deeply. She could feel her fingers starting to shake so she gripped the machete tightly. _Fuck. This was a really bad idea._

“Are you ready?” Ellie's blood shot eye stared back at her. She nodded timidly and Abby cut down the stump evenly.

\------

Ellie woke up with a scream. She felt disoriented and scared. She was covered with sweat and her heart was beating in her chest like a drum. She instinctively looked at her mangled hand. It was wrapped in a new and clean set of bandages.

Ellie looked around, the room was dark, lit only by slits of light coming from the old window near her bed. _Jackson, she was back in Jackson._ She put her hand on her chest, trying to control her breathing. _She was fine. Safe._

Her house was extremely messy, since she had managed to get back, it hadn't been her top priority to fix things around the place. She took in everything around her. _She still hadn't gotten used to the fact that she was back in Jackson._

She sat on the bed and picked up an old sweatshirt that was lying on the floor next to her old beat up sneakers and a broken headphone. She picked it up and put it on. She kicked the headphone aside with her foot and got up from the bed.

She had a terrible headache; her body was all sore and her nose was stuffy. Staying outside in the cold rain for so long was _definitely a bad idea._ She walked over the clothes scattered through the floor and went to the bathroom to wash her face. Ellie avoided looking at her reflection in the mirror. She sighed heavily. She needed to speak with Maria. She put on a pair of boots and left the house.

She walked through the city's icy streets; it was getting dark. She couldn't help but think that the day was a lost day, she had woken up at dawn, her whole body was burning with fever. She could feel the sheets beneath her wet with sweat. She took an old flu medicine she found lost in the bathroom's cabinet and prayed it would still take effect after so long. She spent the rest of the day like that, sleeping through small amounts of time and waking up to stare a specific spot on the ceiling above her, hoping she'd fall back asleep. She had been having trouble with sleep for over a year now. Her body longed for the silence of her dreams that never came, it didn’t matter how much she slept, she still felt weak, unable to rest. She longed for peace, but her mind was like a broken record that she was unable to turn it off.

Ellie used to get out her house very early or very late to walk outside, to breathe in some fresh air. Feel the wind hit her face and avoid the crowd outside. Maria had told her that she should take a week to rest, get back to the city's flow before taking any job. Ellie had disagreed vehemently at first, she was terrified of being locked up at home with nothing but her thoughts. She needed something to do. Something to occupy her mind with. She practically begged Maria to give her any service at all and the older woman denied her pleas consistently. She said she understood how Ellie was feeling, but that was standard procedure for newcomers to the city and she had to follow it.

Today had been exactly a week since she said that. Ellie wanted to talk to her earlier in the morning as she knew Maria was usually extremely busy in the late afternoon / early evening, all the problems of the day were pushed to her at that time. 

Ellie was walking down the path she knew so well towards Maria's place when she was stopped by a familiar voice. She froze instantly. Jackson was a big city but _apparently not big enough to avoid him. Fucking shit._

“Tommy” She greeted the older man that limped in her direction and hugged her tightly. It felt good but she was way too aware that this feeling wouldn’t last long. At least not when he found out what she did. Or better yet, what she couldn't do.

“Good Lord, kid. When did you get back?” He pulled away to take a good look at her and then hugged her again. 

“Almost two weeks now”

“And you didn't even think to say hello? That's right?” Tommy raspy voice sounded hurt and that washed Ellie with guilt. “Come on, kiddo, let's go to the Tipsy Bison and then you can tell me everything that has been up with you recently” 

“Tommy, I don't feel like thi---”

“I won't take no as an answer. Besides I'm paying, who can deny that, right?” He said putting his arm around her neck in a friendly attitude and guiding her towards the diner. He chatted happily about his life, how now that he could no longer go out on patrol, his life was boring and he got into carving wood like Joel. But she wasn't paying attention to what he was saying, she was way too distracted by how the knot on her stomach got tighter with each step. Ellie really wished she had more time to prepare for this conversation. In fact, inside her head, she hoped with all her strength that she could avoid him for the rest of her life, just so she wouldn't have to tell him what happened in California. He wouldn't understand, that was something she was completely certain of. _It took her a while to understand why she did it. So how could she expect someone else to share her own contemplations?_

The Tipsy Bison was packed with people when they arrived, there were a lot of people outside the establishment, chatting with each other with a drink in hand and they had to push their way to get in. The noise of the mixed chattering, the laughter, the human warmth among everyone, it filled Ellie with anxiety about what was to come. 

“…And that girl of yours, Maria has a special eye for my rotations because of her!” The Dina mention took her attention

“What?” 

“She said she wouldn't work with me. And Maria fucking accepted it. Can you fucking believe this shit? _Don't do favorites, my ass!_ So now I do desk duty three times a week instead of one” Ellie knew Dina had been pissed off at Tommy. _No, pissed off was an understatement_ in comparison with the actual hatred she felt the day that Tommy showed up at their home. Ellie got angry at him too, but for a different reason. She got mad because deep down she agreed with everything he said. 

“So, tell me then! Did you do it? _Obviously you did. Yar here! How was it? Don't give me any of the ‘one-word answer’ bullshit that I know that you do. Gimme details!”_ He looked like an excited little kid about to open a Christmas gift and he couldn't detain the excitement inside him. Expectation radiated from him. The sparkle in his eyes made Ellie's stomach drop.

“We should talk about this privately, Tommy” Ellie tried but Tommy didn’t seem to get what was going on. He completely ignored Ellie’s attempts to get away from him, he was so lost in his own bliss that he didn’t notice the fear settled in her eyes.

“You're completely right” He said making Ellie feel a little hope that was shattered seconds later “Wait in here, I'll talk to Seth and get us his best booze. I know he doesn’t leave on display and he owes me anyways. I’ll be right back”

“Tommy, don't—” but he had already left. Ellie groaned and ran her hand through her hair frantically before burying her face in it. _Fuck. This wouldn’t end well._ She looked around, thinking that maybe if she left now, at least she would be able to buy her some time and avoid the confrontation with Tommy, even if it was for only a few minutes. But when she scanned the room, her eyes went straight to her. 

Dina was wearing a cute blue blouse and a black scarf rolled up her neck. There were more two people with her on the table that Ellie didn’t recognize. This was the first time she saw her after they spoke on Dina’s house days ago. Ellie had been actively avoiding her, Jackson was big enough for that. Every time she left her house, she made sure to avoid any path that she thought Dina could take. Ellie felt that if Dina wanted her in her life, she would reach out when she was ready, at least that’s what she took from their conversation. So, she respected that. She shouldn’t force herself back. Not after everything she did. 

Dina had a smile on her face. It made Ellie's stomach turn but differently than before. Seeing her there made Ellie's body freeze for a while, and she hated herself for it because Tommy had just returned with a half-full bottle of home-made drink and two glasses “And here it is” He said dropping a glass in front of her and filling it up. She picked it up and chugged the glass.

“Damn, Ellie. Take it easy, kiddo” He said, filling her glass again along with his own. “So, tell me. Did you find her? Did you do it? Is it over?”

“Yes, it’s over.” She sighed heavily with a frown on her face. Why this was so hard. She felt a little sympathy towards Joel when she was 14 and he told her about the fireflies. She lifted her glass to her lips again. _It went down like fire down her throat._ Ellie looked at the man sitting next to her, she noticed him opening his mouth to speak, before he could start, she continued. “I found her. Your tip was right. She was there.”

“And? What happened?” Impatience growing.

Ellie looked away, she stared down at her drink. She filled it up again and lifted the glass up and spun it a little, mixing it up. _Thinking._ She flexed the fingers on her left hand involuntarily, the void in there hurt for a second. Her hand was resting on her lap, she didn’t even know why she was hiding it from Tommy, “I let her go." _Lying would’ve been so much easier._ She regretted the words the second they left her mouth, but she couldn’t take them back anymore.

“You what?” She saw the anger rising and leaned away from him.

“I let her go. I couldn’t do it” Ellie explained, standing up. Tommy mimicked her actions, getting uncomfortably close to her. “You don’t get it. I had her but I couldn’t go ahead with it” She cried. Ellie knew her voice was getting louder and people around them were starting to turn to face their conversation, which only made her even more nervous. She hated how she wasn’t able to put into words what she needed. It was extremely frustrating. She wanted to give him her eyes, her brain if that's what would take, so he could see things from her perspective because she simply couldn’t put into words in a way that was faithful to what happened. To what she felt. How horrible it was. Abby tied to that pole, left to die. The knife in Lev's neck. Abby’s face distorted under the water struggling to find any air she could get and the only thing Ellie could see was her own reflection over it, distorted in the monster she was becoming, the line she was about to cross and she knew in her core that she wouldn't be able to come back from it. 

“Then why the _FUCK_ you didn’t do it?!” Tommy slapped his hand on the bar counter, if there was anyone that hadn't been paying attention to their conversation until that moment, they definitely were now. “How could you do this dirt with him, He considered you his own blood, GODDAMMIT!”

“Tommy, I---"

“You told me, this are your own words not mine, that you would make her pay. That’s what you promised me.”

“I know”

“You went all the way down to fucking California to do what then? Fucking vacation?”

“Tommy, that’s not—"

“Why the fuck did you come back for then. Once a coward, always a coward, I see. What a fucking joke.”

“You know what, fuck you, man” Ellie was tired of being pushed around. She said pushing him back. He held tightly on to the bar counter, trying not to fall down but his fingers slipped. The stool he was sitting on a few minutes earlier, fell to the floor. Some of the people that was just watching decided to intervene, helping Tommy up. “Don’t fucking touch me” Ellie said to one guy she had never seen before that held her arm back and another one that put himself between Ellie and Tommy. She noticed then that her hand was closed in a fist and she was trying to get to Tommy. _Fuck._

She looked around, her mind was overloaded with the people whispering and moving around her. Her eyes went to the place Dina was before but she wasn’t there anymore. _Fuck._ Her eyes then met with Tommy’s. He was still clearly angry but there was something else in his eyes that she couldn’t quite read, was it regret? She wasn’t sure. A high-pitched whistle drowned out all the sounds around her. It pierced her brain and the volume only increased. Her head felt light. She left before she had a complete breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is fucking huge. It was like 7,8k long. So I cut it in half.  
> I actually wrote the next chapter before this one, it was hard to actually link both. The Tommy x Ellie confrontation wasn't going to happen yet but I felt like it worked better.  
> Anyways, poor Ellie, everything is going wrong for her. But like, I think that before things can get better, she needs to understand what is going on inside her head and that people don't see her the way she sees herself. So idk. At least not everyone.  
> Also, Ellie had suicidal tendencies; she went to California to fist fight Abby with all of her muscles in place lol  
> Thank you for everyone that left a comment. I truly appreciate them.


	5. Meet Me At Out Spot

Jackson's gates opened slowly in front of her. She could feel Joel's eye burning on the back of her head the whole way back from the hospital until now, but she didn't even bother to look at the older man before moving on with her horse and entering the city.

Ellie dismounted from Shimmer. Joel had stayed a little behind to talk with one of the men that opened the gates for them. She couldn't even look at him without feeling the anger rising to her head. How could he even do that to her? After everything they went through, how could he take the chance to make her life have an actual meaning from her hands like that. Shit. _How could he fucking do this to her?_

She stayed a while on the side of her horse, patting her body tenderly, lost inside her own mind.

\-------

Ellie had replayed her conversation with Joel on the cliff before Jackson countless times throughout the last couple of years. She knew it all by heart. She didn't want to forget. She stared down at her newly tattooed arm. If she tried hard enough, she could still see the bite mark outline sitting there looking back at her. She was aware that this wasn’t possible because the chemical burn covered it all, _she made sure of it_ and now there was a layer of fresh ink over it as well. But she could still feel it, even if she tried to hide it, to move forward... It weighed her down. 

“Everything alright in there, kiddo?” Joel slowed down his horse to keep pace with Shimmer. Ellie had stayed behind on purpose, Joel and Tommy were talking about the dead couple they found just before reaching the music store two hours ago. The conversation later shifted to patrols in that section and how deepening them beyond the streets could prevent something like that from happening again.

“Hmm?” She replied to Joel, her eyes still fixed on her arm.

_Swear to me. Swear to me that everything that you said about the fireflies is true._

Ellie squeezed her eyes tightly, frowning and shaking her head. She remembers clearly how Joel’s body tensed up when she confronted him. How he looked scared for a split second before composing himself. She remembers him hesitating before answering and she remembers thinking that this was all in her head. That she was seeing things because she _wanted_ to do so. Because she _needed_ it to be true so bad. She was so desperated to make her life useful in any way possible that she created this whole situation in her head. _She tended to do that, so this could've happened._ But that feeling that Joel had just lied to her face, never left. 

“You've been awfully quiet, Ellie. That's not like you” Joel brought her back from her thoughts, watching her closely. Her eyes went up and looked him in the eye. Ellie opened her mouth to confront him again, but then she chose not to do so. If he lied to her until now, it wouldn't be now that he would change his story. And if he was telling the truth, well, she felt really bad already for questioning Joel’s loyalty to her based on vague assumptions that she wasn’t even sure if they were real or made up. It would only make her feel guiltier. _What a fucking great situation she put herself in._

“Just tired. Today has been a _looong_ day.”

“Tell me about it” Joel said darkly. He pondered for a few seconds a thought before he actually voiced it out loud “If you weren't ok, you would tell me, right?” Joel's eyes were fixed on Ellie's right arm, when he finished the sentence, he looked her in the eye, apprehensively. 

“Yea, totally” She lied. She couldn't do this anymore. Ellie could feel her drifting away from Joel. He had been so important to her. He gave her something she's never had before… Stability, someone who entered her life and didn’t leave in the first opportunity. Joel was the closest thing she had of a family but every time they hang out now was awkward. It was tense. This had to stop. _She had to know. She needed to go back._

\----------

She shook her head, pushing the memories away from her head. Ellie removed the backpack that was tied to the horse's cell and handed Shimmer over to Dave that oversaw the barn for the day. As she watched the horse walk away, she noticed the curious eyes of Jackson's residents staring at her. The news that she had ran away had flown fast, she thought despondently. She was feeling exposed and she hated it. She put her backpack on her back and stuck her hands in her jeans pocket, she just wanted to go home and lay on her bed so she could take in the last three days, but before she could take more than two steps, her attention was stolen. 

“Ellie, you’re such an asshole!” Dina said running towards the other girl. She jumped on her, holding her close. Dina’s scent dominating her senses. Ellie's arms fell limp on her side, she was just… numb. In a normal day, have Dina this close to her would’ve driven her mind into total chaos, but today was different. She stood still, just taking in the girl pressed against her, she buried her face into Dina's shoulder. They stayed like this for a few seconds before Dina broke the hug off and punched her strongly in the arm.

“Ouch! What was that for?!” Ellie complained, rubbing her hand on her aching arm. 

_“What was that for?”_ Dina shot back with a high-pitched voice, poorly mimicking Ellie “Why the fuck did you ran away, you dick?”

“Ho-How did you know that?”

“I overheard Maria talking to Tommy when I was going to Jesse’s the other day” The smaller girl whispered angrily “I got so worried. You're such an asshole, did you know that?!”

“Well, I'm here now, aren’t I?” Ellie muttered angry, kicking a stone on the ground. She clenched her jaw. Why was she the one in the center of the hurricane? She was the one who had been lied to. She wasn't in the wrong here. _She knew that coming back was a mistake._

“What happened?” Dina’s tone changed, got softer. This caught Ellie’s attention, making her feel guilty for thinking about never coming back. Dina raised her hand to meet the arm of the girl in front of her. But all she got in return was silence. “Come on, El”

“I don't really want to talk about it.” She said glancing up to the girl in front of her, Dina’s eyes were filled with a mixture of worry and relief. Ellie’s eyes then wandered to the man walking towards her. She untangled her arm from Dina's hand and turned to leave to try to avoid the confrontation with Joel. She meant it what she said in front of the hospital. _They were done._

“Ellie” Joel called out for her, but she didn’t turn. He called again, this time grabbing her arm. “Come on, Kiddo. We need to talk this out.”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Ellie whispered gruffly, yanking her arm away from the older man's hands. She glanced at Dina, who was too close, so she certainly heard her words. She was also painfully aware of the whispers growing around them as more and more people started to gather in groups around them to see what was going on. Ellie also noticed Maria and Tommy walking towards her, and she simply couldn’t deal with this shit right now. Ellie looked at the floor and then spun on her heels, walking in the opposite position, leaving the murmurs behind.

\-----

“Hey, stranger”

“Fuck, Dina” Ellie said, bringing her hand to her chest and removing an earbud from her ear. She looked at the other girl with a confused expression on her face “Ho-How the fuck did you get in here, fuck, man”

“Your door was unlocked.” She replied pointing to the door behind her and walking closer to Ellie “Once again if I may add.” She said sitting down at the sofa. It had an old shirt, a blanket and a beat-up comic over the furniture, she moved the items away so she could sit. She grabbed the comic and began to flip through the pages “You really need to start to lock shit up, freckles, what if I was an infected? You would be totally dead by now.”

Ellie rolled her eyes in return. She loved Dina, she was her best friend and all, but she really didn't feel like interacting with another human right now. She was sad. She was angry. She just wasn't a good company to have around at all. “Yea, whatever, we'll talk tomorrow, okay? Close the door before you leave.” She said turning her chair back to the table and grabbing her pencil.

“Yo, no way. No.” Dina stood up, turning Ellie's chair over to her. Ellie stared at the floor. She really wasn't in the mood to deal with this right now. Dina brought her hand up to meet Ellie’s face and forced her chin up “Don’t whatever me.” She said seriously. Their faces only a few inches apart. The two faced each other. “What are you doing?” Ellie murmured, holding her breath.

“I came to check on my dumb best friend” She said dropping Ellie's face and sitting back down on the couch “To see how she was doing.”

“Well, I'm totally fine as you can see.” Ellie said putting a smile on her face, trying to convince her friend that there was nothing wrong with her and then pointing to the half open door behind Dina. “You can leave now.”

“Yea, and grass is purple, and the sky is on fire.” Dina said to which Ellie replied with a grimace “Anyways, Joel told me that I shouldn’t take long here. That was way too late already” She said with a small pout but then added triumphantly “So, we will be going somewhere else.”

“I don’t think that’s what he meant by that---”

“Get up, let’s get out of here.” She stood up again and offered her hand to Ellie.

“Dina…” Ellie groaned exaggeratedly.

“Ellie...” Dina replied imitating the same tone as her friend. The hand still stretched out in front of her. 

“I need to sleep, you know, I need to get up early tomorrow, Maria told me she needed to talk to me first thing in the morning” Ellie explained, trying to find any excuse to not leave.

“Come on, El. It won't take long. And honestly, I don't want to leave you alone right now.”

“Can you tell me where we are going, at least?” Ellie asked, giving in and grabbing Dina's hand on her own. 

“To our spot, Stupid” She smiled guiding the taller girl towards the door.

\----------------------------------

The city was deserted, the stores were already closed, and it was possible to count on the fingers of one hand how many houses still had their lights on.

Dina jumped the wooden fence of the playground that was now completely empty and walked towards the central toy. It was a large wooden building-ish with one floor and a wide metal slide on the side. She entered a circular tunnel on the side of the toy and swept the dust off the floor before sitting down. Ellie followed her close by. Ellie remained standing up with her hands sunk deep in the pockets of her hoodie. She was uncomfortable, shifting her weight from one leg to the other. “Dina, what we are doing here?”

“I've brought you something. Come on.” Dina said, patting the space on the ground next to her. Ellie groaned but eventually sat next to her best friend. Ellie had known Dina for more than two years now and she knew her well enough to know that she wouldn't leave it alone unless she was convinced that Ellie was ok. It was as annoying as it was sweet. The smaller girl took a joint from her hoodie’s front pocket and lit up with a tiny pink lighter, inhaling deeply before releasing the smoke in front of her. Ellie raised an eyebrow “Where did you get this?” Dina took the joint and offered it to Ellie, she took it and put it between her lips. 

“Eugene has been extra nice lately.” She smiled and relaxed into the hard ground. Ellie followed her movements. She released the smoke into the air and passed the joint back to Dina who inhaled deeply again, held the smoke in her mouth for a few seconds before letting it out slowly. Dina closed her eyes and hugged her legs close to her body, resting her cheek on the top of her knee. Ellie stared at her for a few seconds and couldn’t help but smile at the sight in front of her; Dina opened her eyes, smiling back at the girl beside her, she offered the cigarette to Ellie again. 

“I love this place.” Dina started and Ellie looked around them, taking it in. This has been the place they would go whenever something bad happened and they needed to get away from everything. When Dina and Jesse broke up the first time, this was where Ellie found her. When Joel fought with her after she did the chemical burn on her arm without telling him about it, this was where she went to cool her mind off. Ellie looked at Dina again, her hair was up into a messy bun and her smile made her heart warm up inside her chest “This is the place I always go when I'm upset. And you...” She said pushing Ellie's shoulder with her own “You always come after me, even when I push you away. Time and time again. Never left me alone when my mind was all dark and bad. I want to do the same for you.”

“You’re such a sap.” Ellie laughed, taking Dina's small lighter from the floor and lighting the joint back to life again. 

“Look, I won't force you to talk if you don't want to” Dina continued “I know you well enough to know that it would be easier to make an infected talk than make you open up about your feelings.”

“Hey! I’m not that bad—”

“Yes, you are, El… And that's fine. That’s just how you are. But I want you to know that you're not alone, we can just sit here in silence if that's what you need right now.” She leaned her head to rest on Ellie’s shoulder and hugged her arm. The sudden move made Ellie choke on the smoke and start to cough nonstop.

 _“fuck”_ Ellie managed to say between coughs.

“You ok in there, champ?” Dina glanced up to the taller girl. Ellie blushed and tried to control her breathing.

 _“Yea, ‘m fine, just ‘imme a second”_ Ellie really liked Dina. Like… a lot. More than she would like to admit. She knew that it was a bad idea and she tried to lock those feelings down. Nothing would ever happen between them both and she knew that. She was certain that Dina didn't feel anything other than friendship towards her, for starters, Dina wasn’t even into girls, so any hope that Ellie could ever have of their friendship developing into something else was totally crushed by that. Dina was caring and affectionate person, she liked to touch people, hug, hold, kiss. She was like that with everyone. _That’s just Dina for you._ And Ellie loved that, especially because she sucked at connecting with other people. With Dina was easy. And she was terrified of fucking that up.

Teorically she understood that falling in love with her straight best friend was a cliché she really didn't want to live but apparently her body didn't get the same memo because every time Dina was this close to her, Ellie’s mind blacked out, every time she touched her, she struggled to control the heart beating inside of her. Her whole body tensed up and she was suddenly way too aware of how her lungs needed air to function or else she would drop dead, _which only made things worse._ “’m fine, 'm fine” She said still coughing.

“Sure thing, freckles”

They stayed like that for a few minutes. The silence was nice. Just feeling Dina there pressed against her body really put her mind at ease.

“Joel and I fought” Ellie broke the silence. She had promised Joel she wouldn’t tell anyone about her… condition. Sure, he was an asshole, but he had a point. And besides, she was really scared that after finding out, Dina’s attitude towards her would shift. And she wasn’t sure if she would be able to handle that. But on the other hand, she really needed to talk to someone about this or else she would explode. “He lied to me about something really big, D” Dina only took in the words coming out of Ellie's mouth without saying anything in return. Ellie struggled with finding the right words to say “Fuck. He really fucked shit up, man. He didn't have the right to do that.”

“What did he lie about?”

“He just--- I didn’t, fuck” She stopped and covered her face with her hand. How was she supposed to explain this to her without exposing herself? Say without really saying what happened? “When we were travelling together, uh, before Jackson, we found---- no, something happened. Something I can’t really talk about it” She added quickly, and Dina only nodded “And I was there but I wasn’t really there because I don't remember shit and I told him to tell me what happened, but what he told me didn’t add up” She said closing her eyes. Her and Joel's conversation going through her brain like a movie “I asked him again, to tell me the truth and I guess he went with option b”

“That's why you left?” She felt Dina tensing up beside her. 

“No.” She paused “kinda.” 

“Oh”

“Yeah”

“Will you” Dina started, moving her head away from Ellie's shoulder so she could see the girl's face as she spoke. Ellie held her gaze “Will you do it again?” it was barely a whisper.

“I don’t know” She responded truthfully, leaning her back heavily against the wall “I just feel kind of lost right now” Joel had been such a big figure in her life and to know that he had been lying to her for so long, it really broke something inside her and she wasn't sure if it was fixable. Ellie sighed and looked at the other girl that had a sad look glued on her face. “I want to say no, but I really don't know. Things are really bad right now.“

Ellie started to pull the fingers of her left hand with her other one, she bit the inside of her cheek and closed her eyes tightly. “I just don’t see the point anymore---” She paused. She wasn't sure if she wanted to keep on talking. She was entering a dangerous territory; she was sharing too much; she didn’t want Dina to know how wrecked she was inside. But the words got stuck in her throat and she felt like she was going to choke if she didn’t let it out. “I try and try to do what’s right. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter. None of this. It just… It doesn’t matter. _I don’t matter_ ” Her voice broke and was barely a whisper in the end. To admit out loud this feeling that had been prowling it's way on her head for the past few years and has been intensified in the past few days, it really fucked her up.

“That’s not true, Ellie.”

 _“It is though”_ Ellie kept her eyes trained down while she traced the scar on her right arm with her fingers.

 _"Fuck, Ellie, you fucking matter”_ Dina whispered angrily “I got really worried about you, you know.” She said avoiding Ellie’s eyes “Maria said that she had no clue where you went. Tommy told her that if there was anyone that could know where you were, that person would be Joel, but he didn't sound so confident” Ellie cringed when she mentioned Joel’s name “You were gone for three days. You never did that before. You didn’t say anything, you just left. Fuck. I thought I'd never see you again, El” It was dark, but Ellie could see the tears shining on Dina’s eyes. She could feel her own tears at bay. Fuck. She took a deep breath and looked up, concentrating on a half-loose screw that glowed lonely over her head. “I’m sorry, D.”

\------

“I knew I'd find you here” A voice disturbing the silence startled Ellie, but she didn't look up to see who it was.

“Hi” Ellie greeted her. She could feel Dina’s eyes glued on her.  
“You okay?” Dina asked after a while. Her voice filled with a concern Ellie knew she didn’t deserve.

“Yea” Ellie sighed heavily “I, uh, I can leave if you want to stay here” She added already in the middle of standing up.

“Sit down, stupid” Dina said while she crouched down and sat next to her. They sat down in silence for a few minutes. Shoulder to shoulder. The tension between them was like a brick wall setting them apart and the silence, that once was so comforting, now felt like a grenade without a pin. Ellie wanted to say something, _anything_ to make things less awkward but her brain simply didn’t give her the ammunition, so she stared at her feet, her old black boot was wet and covered with cold snow.

It reminded her of when they were younger, before everything went to complete shit. In the past, having Dina sitting next to her like this was something that could calm any storm inside her, _but now it just seemed to make it worse._ One part of her loved her for being there but the other one, the most dominant, just didn't understand why she was there in the first place and that filled her up with anxiety.

“I see you learnt to dress up properly to the weather outside. It only took you 21 years. Congratulations” Dina teased pointing to her boot, smiling at her and that made Ellie's stomach twist inside. Dina had her hair up and looked as breath taking as ever.

“I'm what they call a **snow** learner” Ellie had a half smile playing on her lips as she kicked some snow away with her feet.

“Oh, that was terrible, Ellie. Geez. I really didn’t miss those terrible jokes of yours”

“You love it”

“I do, yea” Dina admitted, blushing a little and moving a strand of hair behind her ear. The silence made it's presence known again. Ellie tapped her finger on her knee. Faster and louder as the seconds went by.

“Why are you here?” She finally said under her breath not daring to look at the girl sitting by her side.

“Do you want me to leave?” Dina asked, looking at her.

“No, that's not what I meant.” _Ellie clicked her tongue._ This made zero sense to her. After the last time they spoke, she understood where Dina was coming from. She assumed that some of the things that Dina told her was simply because she was caught by surprise. Ellie came back after so long and dropped all of these things on her. She was scared that Dina felt the same way Tommy did deep down. That after she had some time to think properly, to take in everything Ellie had told her about her trip to California, that she would’ve changed her mind. And the worst part was that she wouldn’t be wrong in feeling like that. _But why was she here then? Her brain whispered back at her. If she hated you, she wouldn’t have bothered in the first place._

“Well, you're upset. I heard your talk with Tommy.”

“You and the rest of the town”

“Pretty much. Yeah. You left the diner in such a hurry… I wanted to check on you. To make sure you wouldn't do anything stupid.” 

_“When I’m not doing something stupid though?” Ellie offered grimly._

“You know what? That’s a really good fucking question” Dina smiled, but Ellie didn’t see it. The silence was back. Every time that happened it looked like the world around them was going to fall apart at any moment. 

“You know that he was wrong, right?” Dina was staring at her, paying close attention to Ellie's reaction to her words. Ellie didn't seem to have heard what she said. Dina knew it shouldn't be easy for Ellie to hear those awful things coming from Tommy, out of everyone. He was what was left of her family. From Joel. This could easily set her off.

“Hmm?”

“Tommy. He had no right to say those things to you” Dina pressed but Ellie didn't answer, she didn't know how to do it without sounding like self-deprecating broken record. “I need you to understand that” Ellie opted to stay quiet. She didn't agree with Dina. Inside her head, she thought that Tommy had every right to say what he did to her. She felt like she got off easy even, that she deserved way worse, but she also knew that if she said this to Dina, she would just her up and leave. Ellie knew that it was frustrating, Fuck, no one dealt with her own shit more than herself, so she understood that. But she was scared of being left alone with her own thoughts. Especially right now. So she kept it to herself.

“Ellie, I can’t read your mind. I need you to use your words”.When Dina was already giving up on receiving an answer, Ellie broke the silence. “I'm scared that you will change your mind” Her voice timid, like she was scared of saying what she was about to say. “I'm scared that one day you willl wake up and realize that he is fucking right. Fuck, This whole situation, it doesn’t make fucking sense to me.” Ellie’s eyes shot up, staring deep into Dina’s eyes. She felt her body fighting against that, begging her to look away but she fought against it. Ellie expected anger coming from the other girl and this hasn’t happened yet, and it really messed with her head. She couldn’t understand the reason why Dina was being kind to her. She didn’t deserve that, and she hated how people never acted like she painted in her head beforehand. It wasn’t like that with Joel after she found out the truth about Salt Lake City. It wasn’t like that with Abby when she found her in California, and it definitely wasn’t like that with Dina right now. “Why are you being so nice to me? Fuck, why even fucking bother at all? You of all people should be telling me to fuck off... Just like Tommy”

“I can’t do that” Dina’s voice was quiet but firm.

“Why? You told me you wouldn't do this again.” The image of Dina telling her that was burnt on the back of her eyelids, every time she closed her eyes, she saw it and it haunted her. Her voice would drown her ears and she wouldn’t be able to do anything other than let the memory of Dina’s voice cut her up. 

“And I won’t. I can't go through that again.” Ellie knew that Dina had meant it what she said back in the farm. She knew that but hearing her confirm it still stinged like an old wound opening up. “But even after all the shit you pulled on me, you're still my dumb best friend and it kills me to see you like this” Dina moved her body uncomfortably “Ellie, you came back but you're not really here. _I need you to be here. I need my friend back.”_

“I’m trying” Ellie cleaned the tears floating in hear eyes with her fingers. She really didn't want to cry in front of Dina. “I know it doesn’t look like it but I'm really fucking trying”  
“I know, you are” She smiled sadly at the other girl as she stood up, slapping away the snow and mud that was stuck to her clothes. Ellie sighed. Dina would leave and she couldn’t blame her for that. Who would stay to deal with such a fucking mess like her “Come on, El” Dina said with her hand stretched out towards the girl still sitting on the floor. Ellie looked up with confusion plastered on her face “You’re staying at my place tonight.”

“Are you sure?”

 _“Not really”_ Dina admitted but kept her hand outstretched to the other girl. “But I really don't want you to be on your own tonight. Come on, I'm fucking freezing out here”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FUCK YEAH, IVE FINALLY FINISHED THIS CHAPTER. I lost the file that I was working on (thank you word for being the fucking worst) and had to rewrite 80% of it lol Hope you guys like it despite of that.
> 
> I got stuck on their conversation at the end. I didn’t want it to be just a replay from chapter two but at the same time, I feel like, realistically, they would have this conversation a few times, but I really didn’t want it to be too repetitive. I wrote that bit 5 different ways and it just didn’t feel right, but now I’m happy with how it ended up.
> 
> \-------
> 
> About the comments left on chap.4:
> 
> I really don’t like Tommy, I get it where he is coming from even if I don’t agree with it. Like, when we talk about the game, we always talk about how Abby or Ellie lost everything over revenge. But I think that Tommy lost the most. He lost the rest of his family, his wife, Ellie. His mobility. All Culminating into him losing himself. He is lost in his anger, I mean, if he was 100% he would probably try to fight Ellie when he found out that she let Abby go. I don’t think he'd be villain per say, but I think he will shift blame, and put everything that happened to him on Ellie.
> 
> The last of us 3 should be just a “Apologize to your wife simulator” every time you press the wrong button, Ellie says fuck and loses her train of thought lol
> 
> But for real, I think there will be another game, especially because of the fireflies. It makes no sense to kill them off at the beginning of it just to bring them back in the last half hour of the game. 1st: love. 2nd: hate 3rd: redemption.
> 
> I think that Ellie would have these suicidal idealizations for a while, specially after finding the farm empty. I think that what holds her off is the need to know if Dina and JJ are ok and… Well, the fireflies are back, and she knows that. I think she gets thrown into this hole every now and then, especially when something bad happen or something/someone vocalizes what’s inside her head because it makes it real. Idk.
> 
> Yea, I totally agree xlittlewonder, when Ellie let Abby go, she isn't forgiving Abby, I don't think that's possible for either of them, they took too much from one another, but she is forgiving herself for not being ready in time, forgiving Joel for being gone too soon. I really like how in that moment; she doesn't see him with his head smashed into a pulp, but she sees him being him. In her diary, she talks a little about this. How she is haunted by Joel’s death and how she cannot talk about him, about his life because his death fucks her up. And how she doesn’t get it how Dina is able to talk about Jesse, about how he was when he was alive instead of being plagued by how he died. The way she was with Joel and probably Jesse was well. So, it's really cool to see the moment that this changes within her. Damn, I really love this game lol I’m talking a lot because my friends are all annoyed with me and my theories lol
> 
> ANYWAYS, I hope you guys like this chapter. I really appreciate all the comments. Every time I get a notification, I get nervous, but they really make me super happy.


End file.
